A Crucial Choice

I am at a very weird place right now. There is this volunteer programme which I have an interview for this weekend. Although I haven't prepared, my chief anxiety is whether I should take it up or not. If I choose to take it up it would mean giving it two years of my life, teaching unprivileged kids in cities I have never visited and I don't have anyone to help me out. My parents and my boyfriend are both against it. Even people around are not very encouraging. They think it's a waste of time. But if that is what all volunteer work is categorised as, aren't we being too selfish?


Fine, let me do some introspection and figure out what I want. I am personally sick of studying literature. I mean I love it, yes, but only to an extent. You give me five back to back years of adventure sports and I'l get bored of it and I am talking English Literature! I would love to take a break. I want to take a break. But, not to sit at home. I want to do something off beat. I had applied abroad for a Ph.D but that didn't work out. I know it was literature too but it was in another country. With the daily drudgery of Literature I atleast would also be experiencing a new world. That's why I was so keen on it. But it didn't work out. The next good girl step would be to take up M.Phil. But if I have to do it, it has to be somewhere out of this city. I am actually sick of living such a comfortable life. I hardly appreciate it. So why not I live the hard way and see how the rest of the world survives. So what if I "waste" two years. I have done practically nothing worthwhile in the past 22 years that I can ever boast of. Or be proud of.. and why is it that people around me don't let me decide what I should do?? What's the worst that'l happen? I would be miserably poor? Well it'l be an experience. I would be very stressed and worked up over deadlines? That happens everywhere. M.Phil will have 10 times the assignments and papers I write in MA. And I would be teaching. For he first time in my life. Something I have always wanted to do and can only imagine what it would be like. And in extraordinary circumstances! C'mon face it! I'l never get such an opportunity in my life again. 


This happened once before in my life. I had got in a print journalism course but my father didn't think it was worth it. I would have got to travel to another city and learnt so many other things. If they wanted me to do an MA I could have easily come back and joined it. But NO! He wouldn't have it. So I lost a chance to learn something I'l never get another opportunity for. It's easy to say why not do it now. But it's a psychological phase. Once past it's very difficult to bring yourself back to it. The same thing is happening here. If I let go of this, I might never get another chance. I might never make it this far either! Not every time one clears an entrance or gets short listed with a high rank. It's that one chance you get. It's all about what you choose to do with it. I can come back to M.Phil. but it's highly unlikely I'l have the courage to pick up volunteer work again. This is the time when I can think about jumping into deep shit without a thought of my family and responsibilities and stuff like that. I am much more free than I would be 5 years later.


I do realise that this decision is extremely crucial. Not that it'l ruin my career or anything. But, what if it's actually not worth what it claims to be. I am scared, to be on my own and that too without support. And what if my dad is right. It would be more painful than anything to hear "I told you so" about something you had fought so vehemently for. I would end up losing further confidence in myself. I hate to admit but it's easier to blame someone else than yourself for the blunders in your life. But that's where I have always missed the point. I wouldn't have that regret if I had decided myself. I need to learn how to figure things out on my own. I can't rely on my dad or boyfriend for decisions in my life. I'l be very unhappy if that be so. And to be truly on my own, I need to do things on my own too. 


Hmm..blogging does help. I just figured out what I have to do...  :)